Calling All Angels

All men of action are dreamers. James Huneker

...But not all dreamers are men of action. 
   The other day I was reading several articles about trends in sex education in the U.S. for class.  I was alarmed to learn how explicit the material is that is taught to children in some areas.  Many programs include promoting and demonstrating contraceptive measures and downplay the importance of abstinence.  Very few sex education programs discuss the aspects of appropriate relationships or the emotional contributors to romantic relationships.  Most parents agree that sex education is useful and also makes it easier to talk to their children about the issues of sexual activity.  Many parents, however, are concerned that some particular issues are not appropriate for children, and that children are becoming sexualized far to early.  Many feel the state is violating their rights as parents to decide what their children will and will not be exposed to. The fact that the government is overstepping their bounds may be because many parents won't take their responsibility to teach their children seriously.  These trends seem threatening to my dreams for my future family and my nation so I admit I was little frustrated as I was reading about all of it.
   As I was reading my roommate asked me why, if people are going to do whatever they are going to do, I was studying issues of sex education, etc. anyway.  I was surprised to hear the tone of apathy in his voice.  I have noticed this appalling and impedimentary attitude all too often, both in and out of the Church.  If we have dreams which we think are important and want to see come to fruition, then we need to become men and women of action.  Social scientists and politicians are picking up on the fact that there are major issues threatening our society and they are doing something about it.  They are taking up the slack left by parents who are not proactive about teaching their children.  The weight of all the empirical evidence is to great to ignore for all those who choose to see it:  We cannot simply “let the chips fall where they may”  or to put it in scriptural vernacular “wo unto all those who say all is well in Zion”  This is, and always has been, a war of influences and cannot be won by apathy.  For example, Bro. Williams asked a question the other day in class: "Who plans on being a part of your children's Parent Teacher Organization?"  A few students raised their hands.  He looked around the room and said "I invite the rest of you to repent."  Then he told a story about when his wife was on the PTO and, after a discussion about the school's sex education program, asked to see the video being used.  The principal said that she had confidence in the program that was being used and that they had been using it for several years.  Bro. Williams' wife again asked to see it and the principle said that she would sit and watch it with her.  After 5 minutes the principle got up and shut the video off, apologized, and vowed that that video would never be shown in the school again.
   I recently listened to a song by Train called "Calling All Angels"  The lyrics struck me because they list several problems that someone might face in contemporary society.  Over and over he exclaims "Calling all angels, calling all you angels!" First I hope that we, too, can recognize the problems and dangers in our society.  Second, I hope that we are willing to pray for God's help and divine guidance with these things.  And finally, I hope that we, especially those who are disciples of Christ, will awake and arouse our faculties to answer the call.  "Calling all angels, calling all you angels!"

Decisive Direction

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. Walt Disney

  One of my dreams has been developing more seriously over the last five years or so.  This dream deals primarily with kind of relationship I hope to develop with my future wife.  I believe this is the most important and potentialy the most wonderful and joyous processes in this life and in the world to come.  To realize that this dream will take a lot of work to prepare now, as well as continual effort during the various stages of the relationship is daunting.  I admit I feel a little inadequate -ok let's not soft-peddle it- really inadequate.  Courage is power to face daunting tasks, disappointments, challenges, and personal weaknesses with hope and optimism.  

  In class we talked about 4 stages of a relationship; each stage is important for the development of a strong and prosperous relationship.  We talked about the modern phenomena of sliding from one stage to another which results largely from indecisiveness.  Bro. Williams posed the idea that perhaps the kind of marriage a couple experiences is influenced by the way they moved from one stage to another.  It takes courage to move decisively from one stage to another because doing so necessitates openness, vulnerability, faith, and charity.  These stages are:      

1. Dating-  Many potential partners, many varied experiences
2. Courting- One partner, many varied experiences
3. Engagement- A time to plan a marriage, not just the wedding
4. Marriage- Consecration, Charity, Covenants

  In reality the story shouldn't end with "happily ever after."  What does that mean?  It means we can't just expect everything to magically become happy and perfect even if we did marry in the right place to the right person.  Many become disillusioned and even doubtful a short time after the wedding because reality sets in again.   This can be avoided if the couple is willing to make adjustments together.  A loving, caring, joyful marriage takes time, effort, and sacrifice.

4 R's of Marriage Adjustments:

1. Routines
2. Resources 
3. Roles
4. Rules

Four Loves

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” C.S. Lewis

We talked about what love means in class this week.  It is not easy to describe because it means something a little different to everyone.  The Greeks had some interesting ideas though.  They used four words to describe different types of love: Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape.

We sometimes struggle with the challenge of relationships (You know it's true!)  Our only choices are (1) to give up, and (2) to keep trying.  In response to the first attitude C.S. Lewis said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell."  If you are not pleased by the consequences of the first choice, then you have the infinity more desirable choice to keep trying. You are never too old, never too far gone, never too broken to try again, to love anew in some small way, and to dream a new dream.

Storge: This is a word that encompass feelings of attachment and affection.  This might describe a parent's love for his or her child, love between members of a church, or love for members of extended family.  This is love for that which is part of us, for things which are familiar.  Because of those criteria, we can have this kind of love even for the quirks and eccentricities of those who are close to us.

Philia: The city Philadelphia is named for brotherly love.  With this love there is a sense of loyalty and closeness, even a strong commitment.  Lewis describes this kind of love as one of the most fulfilling because it is a deep friendship founded on respect and similarity in experiences and values. Lewis said, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.' "


Eros: Lewis carefully explained that some confuse Eros with lust, but this is a mistake.  Lust cannot be any kind of love because it is merely self-serving, in fact lust is the very antithesis of love, specifically of romantic love. Lust destroys real love.  Eros is an integral, important, and joyful part of the love a couple shares.  There are emotional, biological, and social reasons why the expression of this love creates unity and bonding.  Lewis warns lovers that romantics cannot sustain a relationship alone; it must not become a singular focal point, but must be enriched by other kinds of loves as well.


Agape: "And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us.  God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16) Agape is godlike love, Lewis holds it as the highest and noblest love because it is totally selfless and unconditional.  I believe that success in relationships on this Earth, extending to all eternity, is founded on our ability to develop this kind of love.  Prophets of all ages have declared that we must have this love for God and all men, there is much scriptural evidence to support this.  If we struggle here there is a way to move forward.  In the seventh chapter of Moroni, the prophet Moroni records some of the words of his father, Mormon:
45  And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth.  Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.  Amen.

(Book of Mormon | Moroni 7:45 - 48)

Facts are Stupid Things

Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be. Joy Page

This week we discussed same gender attraction.  I have always felt this is an important issue because it produces questions, deep questions, that no one in our time will escape from answering personally, or publicly.  This is a topic that must be approached with care for it deals with the nature of mankind in general, and real people in specific.  

Cold hard facts about gender roles seem to make up much of the argument these days, problem is both sides seem to have legitimate reasoning.  How are we to make sense of this? Well, as you can see in the title I am a firm believer that facts indeed are stupid things and can be used to support any side.  What is stupid about them is that facts simply can't stand alone, we need some kind of context to get any real use out of them.  Claims made on all sides of the argument ought to be considered carefully from a biological, cultural, sociological, and developmental viewpoint.  Understanding comes when we put observed behaviors in its proper contexts.

It is important to understand that the terms we use have specific meanings.  Attraction to the same gender is not the same as a gay lifestyle.  If we are not careful in our conversations we can easily lose that distinction.  From a gospel standpoint, that distinction makes all the difference.  It is the difference between temptation and sin.  Another important context we could all benefit by understanding includes arguments on both sides of the "I was born this way" argument.  I have taken a behavioral neurobiology class wherein we discussed some of the research and findings behind biological factors of same sex attraction (fetal environment, hormones, etc).  We also discussed the cultural and behavioral influence on cognitive and neural development.  In this family relations class we reviewed and interpreted research about psychosocial development.  This issue has so much to do with identity.  Social factors can have a powerful influence on the development of children.  Say a boy is born with greater tendencies to create, or to talk about his feelings, or to be nurturing.  Some would say that this is proof that he is "gay."  His friends might even tease him about being gay.  What's a kid supposed to think about that? How does that affect his attitude when he reaches puberty and starts thinking about his identity?  Research shows that the majority of those who claim to be gay where sexualized at a young age either by social expectations of experimentation or by some incident of molestation. How easy would it be for an adolescent with little experience to say in essence, "Oh, my body responded to that, I must be..." The body is as a machine in at least this way:  Sensory input is presented, reactionary output is produced. Choice starts there.  So Katie Perry kissed a girl in experimentation, her sympathetic nervous system responded appropriately to the sensory input.  That will happen to any body and that's a fact, what a person does with that fact depends completely on agency and how well the contexts are understood.

For anyone struggling with same gender attraction, see the quote at the top of this post.  You DO have a choice, you are not bound by simple biology nor by societies expectations.  Your attitudes and beliefs about your mortal and eternal identity have everything to do with who you are.  You can choose to do what you feel is right, even if it is difficult. 

The Language of Dreams

Dreaming or awake, we perceive only events that have meaning to us. Jane Roberts
  It is difficult to imagine how I might accomplish my dreams without the ability to record, examine, or communicate them.  If there is no way to gain a greater understanding of my dreams, then there is little use for them.  Only when I can ascribe meaning to my dream can I begin to usefully apply and build upon them.  The language of our dreams might aid us if it is better suited to helping us fulfill them.  

  In social science the most comprehensive language for recording, examining, and communicating phenomena in the family is called systems theory.  The basic tenant of systems theory is that a family must be treated as an indivisible system.  Each member of the family plays a role that is so interconnected with  every other member that attempting to study them separately leaves us with only a partial understanding.  A family system is defined by boundaries and rules, which are in turn defined by more or less predictable patterns of interaction.  Boundaries describe the relationship between the family and the rest of the world, as well as between subgroups within the family.  For example, the parental subgroup [that's mom and dad ; ) ], have a particular relationship that is separated from the children by a certain boundary.  Rules within a family are made both verbally and non-verbally.  These are created by experiences followed by feedback:  a look, a smile, a touch.  When mom gives you that look, you know you better quit buggin' your sister or else!  (This may be why we expect others to understand how we are feeling or what we mean by a behavior, we get frustrated when someone can't "read our minds", even though we don't think about it that way.)

  We practiced defining our own family culture in terms of systems theory; it was interesting.  I'm excited to learn more about it!

           

Awakening

“The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. “ Paul Valery

  This idea struck me in two ways recently.  First, in class we have talked a lot about research lately.  More particularly, the discussion focused on marriage and family trends in the U.S.  For example, a recent Meta-analysis authored by Hanson and Zogby (2010) was published in an Oxford journal, Public Opinion Quarterly, which analyzed many public opinion polls since the 1980s.  The title of the article was “The Polls—Trends: Attitudes about the American Dream.”  It explains that “findings suggest that a majority of Americans consistently reported that the American Dream (for themselves and their family) is more about spiritual happiness than material goods. However, the size of this majority is decreasing.”  Increasing materialism, increasing divorce rates, abuse in all its various and insidious forms, condescending opinions of motherhood and fatherhood, effects of having fewer children on social security, and many other trends have concerned social scientists in recent years. 

  Are these the products of our quest to realize the “American Dream”?  Granted, this term has meant many things to various people since before our nation’s inception, but this ideal has always included the ideas of prosperity, security, and “the pursuit of happiness.”  Who can deny the fact that family plays a major role in the attainment of such a dream?   It seems somewhat distressing to find such a blaring contradiction in the character of our society.  How can we realize our dreams of economic, social, familial, and individual prosperity, security, and happiness when the very fabric of our society is breaking down at the family level?  If we think we can ignore these problems and continue to “live the dream”, then we have divorced ourselves from reality and it’s time to wake up!

  Secondly, and on a more personal note, my effectual contributions to the prosperity, security, and happiness of my present and future family depend on my ability to move past the dream stage.  What are the products of my efforts to realize my dreams?  Do I operate on the knowledge that my role as son and brother, and eventually husband and father has an incredible impact on the individuals that make up my society?  Do my habits, my communications, and my reactions truly reflect my purest most noble dreams?  I am happy to say that in many of the most important aspects my relationships with my family members have provided a great deal of prosperity, security, and happiness in my life as well as in the lives of others.  These joys were conceptualized when I began to dream; I realized that there is something to be gained by developing and ideal for myself and my family.  That ideal has been shaped and perfected by the eternal truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ as well as by practical knowledge gained by experience and education.  These joys, however, would have remained wholly imagined, and never reality if I had simply dreamed of them.  I know that in some ways I still need to “wake up.”  I must be, know, and do better to correct inconsistencies between my character and my dreams; so the journey continues…

Becoming the Dream

"Dreams are the touchstones of our character." (Henry David Thoreau)

    A flat stone with a rough texture allows marks to be made on it's surface by soft metals.  This was a method used by gold miners to determine the purity of gold.  A standard would be set by marking a line of pure gold on the stone; all other ores found could be measured by comparing it's mark to the standard.  That stone became a touchstone.
   Our ambitions, our motivations, our dreams say much about us. They reveal our inner most desires and highlight what we esteem to be of great value. This is how our dreams might help us determine the purity of our character.
  My hope is that, in the process of becoming, when I mark my character on the touchstone of my dreams that I will find pure gold.