Four Loves

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” C.S. Lewis

We talked about what love means in class this week.  It is not easy to describe because it means something a little different to everyone.  The Greeks had some interesting ideas though.  They used four words to describe different types of love: Storge, Philia, Eros, and Agape.

We sometimes struggle with the challenge of relationships (You know it's true!)  Our only choices are (1) to give up, and (2) to keep trying.  In response to the first attitude C.S. Lewis said, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell."  If you are not pleased by the consequences of the first choice, then you have the infinity more desirable choice to keep trying. You are never too old, never too far gone, never too broken to try again, to love anew in some small way, and to dream a new dream.

Storge: This is a word that encompass feelings of attachment and affection.  This might describe a parent's love for his or her child, love between members of a church, or love for members of extended family.  This is love for that which is part of us, for things which are familiar.  Because of those criteria, we can have this kind of love even for the quirks and eccentricities of those who are close to us.

Philia: The city Philadelphia is named for brotherly love.  With this love there is a sense of loyalty and closeness, even a strong commitment.  Lewis describes this kind of love as one of the most fulfilling because it is a deep friendship founded on respect and similarity in experiences and values. Lewis said, "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.' "


Eros: Lewis carefully explained that some confuse Eros with lust, but this is a mistake.  Lust cannot be any kind of love because it is merely self-serving, in fact lust is the very antithesis of love, specifically of romantic love. Lust destroys real love.  Eros is an integral, important, and joyful part of the love a couple shares.  There are emotional, biological, and social reasons why the expression of this love creates unity and bonding.  Lewis warns lovers that romantics cannot sustain a relationship alone; it must not become a singular focal point, but must be enriched by other kinds of loves as well.


Agape: "And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us.  God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16) Agape is godlike love, Lewis holds it as the highest and noblest love because it is totally selfless and unconditional.  I believe that success in relationships on this Earth, extending to all eternity, is founded on our ability to develop this kind of love.  Prophets of all ages have declared that we must have this love for God and all men, there is much scriptural evidence to support this.  If we struggle here there is a way to move forward.  In the seventh chapter of Moroni, the prophet Moroni records some of the words of his father, Mormon:
45  And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth.  Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.  Amen.

(Book of Mormon | Moroni 7:45 - 48)

Facts are Stupid Things

Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be. Joy Page

This week we discussed same gender attraction.  I have always felt this is an important issue because it produces questions, deep questions, that no one in our time will escape from answering personally, or publicly.  This is a topic that must be approached with care for it deals with the nature of mankind in general, and real people in specific.  

Cold hard facts about gender roles seem to make up much of the argument these days, problem is both sides seem to have legitimate reasoning.  How are we to make sense of this? Well, as you can see in the title I am a firm believer that facts indeed are stupid things and can be used to support any side.  What is stupid about them is that facts simply can't stand alone, we need some kind of context to get any real use out of them.  Claims made on all sides of the argument ought to be considered carefully from a biological, cultural, sociological, and developmental viewpoint.  Understanding comes when we put observed behaviors in its proper contexts.

It is important to understand that the terms we use have specific meanings.  Attraction to the same gender is not the same as a gay lifestyle.  If we are not careful in our conversations we can easily lose that distinction.  From a gospel standpoint, that distinction makes all the difference.  It is the difference between temptation and sin.  Another important context we could all benefit by understanding includes arguments on both sides of the "I was born this way" argument.  I have taken a behavioral neurobiology class wherein we discussed some of the research and findings behind biological factors of same sex attraction (fetal environment, hormones, etc).  We also discussed the cultural and behavioral influence on cognitive and neural development.  In this family relations class we reviewed and interpreted research about psychosocial development.  This issue has so much to do with identity.  Social factors can have a powerful influence on the development of children.  Say a boy is born with greater tendencies to create, or to talk about his feelings, or to be nurturing.  Some would say that this is proof that he is "gay."  His friends might even tease him about being gay.  What's a kid supposed to think about that? How does that affect his attitude when he reaches puberty and starts thinking about his identity?  Research shows that the majority of those who claim to be gay where sexualized at a young age either by social expectations of experimentation or by some incident of molestation. How easy would it be for an adolescent with little experience to say in essence, "Oh, my body responded to that, I must be..." The body is as a machine in at least this way:  Sensory input is presented, reactionary output is produced. Choice starts there.  So Katie Perry kissed a girl in experimentation, her sympathetic nervous system responded appropriately to the sensory input.  That will happen to any body and that's a fact, what a person does with that fact depends completely on agency and how well the contexts are understood.

For anyone struggling with same gender attraction, see the quote at the top of this post.  You DO have a choice, you are not bound by simple biology nor by societies expectations.  Your attitudes and beliefs about your mortal and eternal identity have everything to do with who you are.  You can choose to do what you feel is right, even if it is difficult.